My Heart's Cry · Real and Raw

Losing My Breath

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Pierce had a seizure Sunday night. He fell face first into the bathtub when it began. My husband was reading a book to him, so concentrated on making the story exciting he did not notice him topple over. 5, 10 seconds in the water? Enough to bring terrors I had never known.

We watched in horror as his body seized, with no idea if he was choking on the water as well. We called 911. He began to turn blue, his breathe slowing to an almost complete stop. “He’s not breathing!” my husband cried out at one point. “God!” I screamed. No other words. I could not articulate any other word.

Finally, after what seemed a never ending time. After what seemed a death sentence, he let out a piercing cry, and I felt my heart return to its chest. He cried and screamed and cried and screamed, and I joined him tear for tear. I have never in all my life heard a more beautiful sound.

I had thought I was losing him. I cannot even begin to describe the emotions.

My heart is still raw.

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The paramedics arrived and he was taken to the ER. A long night of tests and fevers, with many more painful tears–mine as well as his. And yet through every tear, there came a prayer of thanks. An overwhelming gratitude. I have never been more thankful for my little boy. My difficult, demanding, death defying little boy.

Never have I felt his soft touch with more love. Never have I listened to his sweet voice with more elation. Never has my heart been so utterly overwhelmed with this unexplainable gratitude.

I have always loved him more than my breath, but this time the breath was taken right out of me.

Thanksgiving. Thankful. This is me.

My babies are here. Nothing else matters.

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170 thoughts on “Losing My Breath

  1. You made me cry. I am so glad your baby is OK. May God keep every child safe. As a mother myself i can only imagine what that time must have felt. I want to go and hug my baby tight now…. big cyber hugs for you.

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    1. John, he is having what are called febrile seizures. In a small number of kids, when their temperature spikes really quickly they go into seizure. It is typically harmless to the child, if not frightening to the parents. The worst thing about this one was his time spent seizing under water. The number one cause of death from seizures is drowning. I am so thankful to God for watching over my baby!!

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  2. Oh Sasha! So thankful Pierce is okay. Yes I am sure your heart must be ever relieved and so thankful. May you hold your littles especially close this holiday. God is definitely holding you in His hands!

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  3. That is so scary and definitely makes you realize what is truly important. Did he have a febrile seizure? My daughter had one over a year ago and I still feel like crying every time I think about it. I am glad to hear your little one is all better. It will make for a truly thankful Thanksgiving. 🙂

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    1. Mine had a febrile seizure too when he was 13 months old, after having had a fever. It’s the scariest thing to witness and you feel so helpless. My healthy son is 15 now and had another one when he was older. I try to make sure he stays hydrated, rested and out of the sun for long periods of time. I wish your babies well.

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      1. Adrian, it is something to be very watchful about. We thought we were doing a good thing by reading to him in the bathtub (educational, right?) We now know bath time is to be spent with eyes locked on him the entire time! Glad your son is okay–seizures at an older age can be very serious!

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    2. Yes, it was febrile. The seizure itself I think I could have handled okay since he had one just two months before. I was aware of what they were. It was the falling into the bathtub. It didn’t seem like a typical seizure. He was definitely struggling with the water as well. I am overwhelmed with both trembling and gratitude every time I think about it. Glad your sweet girl is doing good!!!

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        1. Although you probably should use the middle of the night to sleep ( 😉 ) , no worries, I did not mention whether the seizure was febrile or not. Prayers for both our babies to be done with them for good!

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    1. Yes, hold them as tight as your arms allow! 🙂 I am somewhat still in a daze from it all. Sooooo grateful though. Never as grateful. I simply cannot stop staring at his sweet little frame and thanking God over and over and over again.

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  4. You made me cry.. Very emotional post.. I kind of feel you (to e certain point)..

    My husband has epilepsy, so I know how it’s like seeing someone and thinking “this is it”.. and although I know he’s sick I still feel scared to death every single time (although thankfully his seizures are rare)..

    and every day I live with the fear that my babygirl will inherit his sickness.. Although doctors have told me that his sickness is not genetic, therefore that he will inherit it to my daughter are low, but this doesn’t make my fear go away.. So trust me I know how you feel.. But Thanks God you son is OK and that’s all that matters..

    Million hugs in your way for your sun (I wrote it sun in purpose coz I believe he’s not only your son but you sun too).

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    1. Oh, how my heart breaks for you having to experience that! When I was riding in the ambulance with Pierce the paramedic told me “I have been doing this for 20 years, I have seen countless numbers of seizures. It is terrifying to watch every single time.”

      Don’t let those fears take you though. Prayers your daughter will be a healthy individual even into her old age!! 🙂

      Thanks for the hugs–love the “sun.” 🙂

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  5. My husband is epileptic and watching him have seizures is absolutely terrifying. I can’t even imagine watching my child have one, they are worth more to us than our own skin. Hope you are all feeling better x

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  6. Oh my goodness, I’m crying! There is no terrifying feeling worse than the feeling that something is gravely wrong with your child. I’m so happy that he is ok! Lots of hugs to you. Thanksgiving just became for thankful 🙂

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  7. Oh sasha, I cried with you. How unbelievably scary…and after this happened not too long ago!!! What fear you must have felt. I’m so glad he was okay! You are so right…all that matters I’d that our babies are healthy and alive and that we are with them! Praying that never happens again!!

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    1. Thanks for your prayers! I really believe they work! 🙂 We did learn we need to be particularly careful with him. The worst thing about those who from febrile seizures is that they can happen in moments you are not expecting. We definitely know bath time must always be under constant supervision–not even a five second break!

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  8. My heart goes out to you and your husband Sasha. I cannot imagine how terrifying that must have been. God bless you for focusing on the positive and being thankful he is okay now. I’m saying prayers that it will never happen again. Happy Thanksgiving Mama! I hope it is wonderful and relaxing for you. xx

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  9. Thank God he is ok!! As a pediatric nurse I see parents all the time who are terrified because their child has had their first seizure! I hope everything else is ok with your little guy!

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    1. I have to say thank you with everything in me for giving your life to children! I think you have one of the most difficult jobs out there. I cannot imagine having to watch children suffer. Your heart is so big and although you may never win the Nobel Prize, I truly think you deserve it!

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    1. It was awful but I try to think on the miraculous, how the water did not cause any damage. I am overwhelmed when I think of what could have happened. Someone was definitely watching out for him. 🙂

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    1. Thank you!! This afternoon I turned on the music and Pierce, his sister, and I began to dance. It was the first time he became his fully silly self and my heart melted. He is quickly on the road to full recovery!

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  10. Hi Sasha,
    What a difficult cult time! Life is very delicate and precious. I’ll be praying for wisdom for the doctors to help you in the best possible way with this. I don’t know if my dad who is a herbal doctor would have any ideas, but he usually does, so let me know if you want me to ask him for you. He might have a helpful nerve tonic tea or something. Feel free to email me more details if you want, because of course I don’t know the context and history etc.
    Anyway, thank God he is ok!
    Peace and strength,
    Anna

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  11. What a beautiful little boy you have there! I am so pleased he has had the help he needs, and so sorry for the trauma and stress you have all been through! Bless him… Hang on tight, little momma. xx Mother Hen

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  12. Reading this brought tears to my eyes I cant even begin to imagine the fear you felt. I’m glad that your handsome little boy is okay now. God bless you and your family.

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    1. It is still so fresh I find myself shaking every time I think of it in detail. I am trying to simply look at him now, happy, playing, and soak in each and every bit of his sweet self. 🙂

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  13. Sasha,
    My heart sunk as I read this. And I cried for you and your boy as I imagined how awful and terrifying that must have been. I’m praying for you and Pierce today. He is so sweet. And you are absolutely right–just to have him in your arms today… Does anything else really matter? Thanking God with you today.

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    1. Your prayers mean so much more to me than I can ever say Rebekah!! Through everything we learn, and I feel I have come out of this a new person. God kept my baby safe and this is what matters most.

      Have a happy thanksgiving, and give that little girl lots of extra hugs and kisses! 🙂

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  14. Awww…those seizures are scary. I am glad Pierce is okay and I pray that he won’t have to go through this anymore. Thankfully, my little boy does not get seizures anymore when he has a fever. 4 times were enough for us…even when they say “you must not panic” it’s just bigger than us. We get caught up and surrounded by an overwhelming fear of losing our little loves. When my kiddo experienced his seizures, I remember myself crying and shaking so much that I couldn’t even dial 911. When he became unresponsive I ran outside screaming for help, holding him in my arms. In moments like this, all I could say was “please God.” Strongly praying in my heart that my little boy would be okay.

    And you’re right Sasha. There is nothing else that matters…nothing else to be thankful for other than the well-being of our children. Sending my love to Pierce and your family 🙂

    ––Soph from http://www.sophiacoleblog.com

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  15. Oh, Sasha, it is horrible. When my youngest grandson was 2, he had a seizure in the bathtub. He too survived and we were so grateful. He is now 5 and doing well. God bless you and your family!

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  16. Praise the Lord your little one is OK! Goodness, I just teared up reading this post. In an unfortunate circumstance, you have an even better understanding of the word “Thanksgiving”. Praying for you and your family and happy early Thanksgiving!

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  17. Oh Sasha! I’m so sorry you had to experience this again. Seizures are crazy frightening. I hope you are able find answers. I’ll be sending good vibes to you and your family!

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    1. Thanks! He is okay now. It was another febrile seizure, which happens in some children when their temperature takes a sudden spike. Some kids are simply more prone than others at having them. That said, I am praying Pierce’s days are through!

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  18. Yikes, mama! Thinking of you guys. Thanks for sharing your story. I know I can always use a little reminder to be thankful for every little breath they take, even if it’s a breath that leads to a giant tantrum 🙂

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    1. For a long time at the hospital Pierce was very weak, unable to even take a step. He would cry during certain tests and the awful IV, but then would go back to his quiet self. However, by the end of the night he started becoming his old self again. His sister took something he wanted and he threw himself on the floor in rage. I have never been so happy to see a temper tantrum! 😉

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  19. What a terribly scary experience, so happy he is okay (and even with a big smile there at the end)! Thank you for reminding me to be thankful for what is truly important, not only this Thanksgiving, but everyday!

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  20. So sorry your family had another experience like this. Thank God for his safe recovery, and happy thanksgiving for your blessings!

    Fondly,
    Elizabeth

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    1. Yes!!! I knew you never leave a child unattended in the bathtub, but I never thought of something as seemingly like reading a story being a potential danger. We now give baths with our eyes fully on him the entire time.

      Hold your babies extra tight today, and for the many more days to come. They are priceless for sure. 🙂

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  21. Oh Sasha, what a terrifying experience. I cannot even imagine the feelings you had. Our boys are so close to the same age, and it almost broke my heart to think of you going through this experience. Especially since Pierce had one so recently. I’ll be thinking of you all, Sasha! SO glad sweet Pierce is okay 🙂

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    1. Thank you Marla!! He is doing sooo good now! I cannot stop staring at his sweet frame, taking in each and every detail about him. The wear of it all on his little body has made him extra cuddly–like hold me almost all day long cuddly. I have never been so happy to hold my baby, even though my arms do feel they may fall off sometimes. 🙂

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      1. Oh, I’m so happy that he is cuddly with you. As much as they want to be held, it sure is a blessing to us mamas ☺ I’m so happy he is doing better, and that your arms haven’t fallen off! Sometimes it really seems like they will!

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