My daughter swallowed a penny. I thought she was old enough to play with it. I was wrong. I saw her put it in her mouth and immediately screamed, “spit it out!” The sudden shout scared her, sending the thing right down her throat. I felt my body turn numb, it seemed to be more than I could take at that moment.
Kids have done worse. Much more harm has entered the esophagus of many littles. But this day that penny sent me spiraling downward. It was the crescendo of a hard week, and I felt in that moment I just wanted to give up. I really wasn’t good at this mom thing. Not too good at all.
I wanted to stop for a little while, to let the tears flow fast. But we were in public, we had things to do, and so I went on, pushing the tears back.
We’re really good at that, aren’t we? At pushing back the tears, at telling the emotions they will simply have to wait. We hold it in, we keep it tight. We meet with our mom friends and smile and laugh and talk about all the cute things our little ones say.
Sometimes, when I go to the play date, I want to grab the other mom by the shoulders and yell “I am having a bad day!” But I cannot, because it is not the time for heart to hearts. There are too many toys flying, too many juice spills to clean. So we keep the conversation sweet, light, the way it should be.
I want to call her sometimes, the other mom, to tell her about things like the penny, about the way it shook me. I want to call and tell her, but my kids suddenly become wild banshees the moment I pick up the phone. I could try to call when my husband comes home, but then she is having time with her own husband, and I really do not want to interrupt. And so I do not call, I hold it inside.
How I long to talk with her sometimes, to really talk. Not about dirty diapers and sleepless nights. I want to talk about fears and worries, dreams and passions. I want to pour out my heart to her and to listen to her pour her own out to me.
Sometimes moms of little ones talk of being lonely. It is not that we are truly alone. We find ourselves amongst one another constantly. We see each other at the park, the library. We meet for play dates regularly. We are not physically alone, but there can still be found a loneliness in our hearts sometimes. Feelings and emotions we all share, and yet most often have to process on our own.
Our kids will not be little forever. There will come a day when we will find ourselves having coffee and conversation for as long as we please. Not today though. Today we are kissing boo boos and holding hands across the street. Today we are teaching the meaning of sharing and being kind. Today we are checking the toilet to make sure a penny made its way safety through.
And this is okay. This is beautiful. And most days are really, really good.
Right now though, if you are feeling a bit alone, know this: you are a good mom. You are doing a really great job at this mom thing.
Sometimes this is all we really needed to hear. Yes, we long to pour out our hearts, but often in the simple hope of hearing just a simple encouragement in return:
You are a good mom. A good wife. A good friend…
Pass it on–a text, an email, a simple whisper as you hug goodbye. We may not have too many heart to hearts these days, and we may not know what the other mom is going through at the moment. We can always bring a little encouragement though.
And as every mom knows, a little can go a very long way.
Mom Life Now 
OH man, I have so been there! That last straw that just breaks you is so hard! And it always is something little and Ill try to tell the husband about it, and hes like, uh its not that big of a deal. OMG IT WAS AT THE TIME! This is half the reason I run and work out. It gives me time to myself to process everything and help get it out of my head!
LikeLike
Haha, it is always the SMALLEST thing that seems to do us in! 🙂 That thing which sent us into tears can actually be quite funny when we go back and think about it later! Good for you running it out too–one of my favorite ways to process as well! 🙂
LikeLike
How well I know! I am a feelings-stuffer from way back. Hence, my blog, actually.lol It has to squeeze out somewhere! I think we all crave that sense that we are slogging through this parenting thing together. So, I will just extend it back to you as you have so beautifully to me: you are not alone! You are doing great! Blessings!
LikeLike
Aw, thank you!! I really needed to hear it too! And I completely agree, there is something so encouraging knowing we are not alone in this. 🙂
LikeLike
Sasha, you always remind me that being vulnerable is okay. Thanks!
LikeLike
Alma, it really means a lot to me to hear this. It is not easy to do, I was in fact a little shaky before posting this. 🙂
LikeLike
And your honesty and courage is what keeps me coming back. 🙂
LikeLike
❤ ❤ ❤
LikeLike
I too find myself envying women who are free to talk and socialize while I am just doing my best to make sure my children do not kill themselves, each other or burn down wherever we are at. No actual conversations happen. But, I try to remember how many older women with the freedom to socialize look at my life and miss the days of having little ones in the house. To everything there is a season. Our season right now is the craziness of rearing small children. Someday we will have time to talk!
LikeLike
Haha, I know exactly what you mean about being out with kids! 🙂 Enjoy each and every moment of it–and then we can talk in a few years. 😉
LikeLike
This was so incredibly needed today – THANK YOU.
LikeLike
Oh, I cannot tell you how much I love to hear this!!! And I can only imagine if you needed to hear this, then you are one great momma! 🙂
LikeLike
So true! I’ve been there many many times.
LikeLike
Soon the days will come when we will wish for the chaos again. Until then, know you are a good momma! 🙂
LikeLike
I love this. Every sentence rang true for me. We live far outside of town and I am lonely often. Writing helps a lot. So does reading. Thanks for your words. (PS My kid has never swallowed a penny, but we did have to go to the ER recently because she shoved a black bean up her nose).
LikeLike
Oh no!! As awful as I know it must have been for you, I couldn’t help but laugh really, really hard reading this! Definitely makes me feel better about the penny! 🙂
LikeLike
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Sometimes, I don’t even know I’m having a rough day. I have twin toddler girls and am 8 months pregnant with our first boy. With taking care of my girls and playing with them and taking care of the house, I get pretty wiped out. So, this little bit of encouragement was just what I needed. Thank you.
LikeLike
Oh sweet momma!! You definitely deserve to feel wiped out whenever you please! I hope, though, that in the midst of all the chaos, you will remember what a great mom you really are!
And congrats on the coming addition!!
LikeLike
How hard and beautiful those days are! I remember my own. Be encouraged. The days pass and soon they are grown and struggling to raise their own. Then we can encourage them to do the best they can and love their little ones.
LikeLike
Yes, I often think of how quickly it is going and how much I need to hold tight to the days I have. I have heard, though, that being a grandparent is one of the greatest things in life. 😉
LikeLike
Lovely post, I know exactly where you are coming from. We all put on such a front sometimes and then behind closed doors sob unheard. On a good day I feel so happy and love being a Mum, on a bad day I just feel like i’m letting them and myself down and feel i’m far from being the mum I want to be. So nice to read your post and relate :O)
LikeLike
You are a good mom, even on the bad days!! I am so glad you found some encouragement here!
LikeLike
Can relate so much to you are saying from a stay at home dad perspective, it can be so lonely, particularly at night with teething etc… but the fact my little lady smiles first and last thing every day makes it all worthwhile and tells me I am doing a great job! Thank you 🙂
LikeLike
Yes! The smiles say it all, and make every hard moment so worth it! Thanks for sharing this from a dad’s perspective!!
LikeLike
Love.
LikeLike
Thanks Rebekah! 🙂
LikeLike
Great post! Especially while we were traveling the world for a year, the encouragement and support I received in the parenting realm was all from bloggers like yourself! It is a fabulous way to keep connected. Thanks for the great article!
LikeLike
I can only imagine how difficult it must be to so far from family and friends! You are definitely having an adventure of a lifetime though! Glad you found a way to grab some encouragement too! 🙂
LikeLike
You are an awesome mom, and you are doing a wonderful job raising your little ones…
LikeLike
Aw, thanks Rochelle!! Right back at you! 🙂
LikeLike
I love this post, I can relate so much.
LikeLike
I am so glad to hear this Andy!! Keep on being that great mom! 🙂
LikeLike
You spoke what my heart is yearning to say this very day, Sasha. Oh I feel like my heart is crying out to my friends and sisters that I just need a good talk. But tantrums, sickness, and pure logistics get in the way. But I take comfort in knowing that you have been there and you know somewhat of my feelings and the struggle. Beautiful post, Sasha 🙂 by the way, I hope you see a glimmer of a penny in the toilet!
LikeLike
Marla, you are such a beautiful momma!! Thank you for sharing this!
LikeLike
That holding it in thing? I think it lasts forever. Even with my grown boy, sometimes I have to swallow my reactions, thinking I’ll have a good cry later about some decision or mistake he’s made. But since I still have two littles, there’s never really a later. Glad I have you, Sasha. 🙂 You’re great at this mom thing.
LikeLike
Aw, thanks KT!! From what I read, I can only imagine what an amazing mom you are yourself!
LikeLike
I definitely empathized with this post. My daughter has yet to swallow a penny, but I sometimes feel isolated, too.
Despite being in physical proximity to other mothers, I have found virtual friendships and blogs to be equally important in my becoming a good mama. We may not have all the time or opportunity for heart to hearts in person, but reading a post that makes us feel understood can mean a world of difference. Thanks for putting this out there.
LikeLike
It is amazing the way we are able to encourage one another here!
LikeLike
Sometimes I do need to hear those words, Thank you!
LikeLike
You are a good mom!
LikeLike
So beautiful! I met a woman in the park today who was having one of those days. Wanted to pull her aside and just hug her, but as you said, toys were flying and kids were screaming. I’ve been thinking about her all night. Hopefully, by some chance, she reads your blog, too. What a wonderful message.
LikeLike
I too pray she finds those words, wherever they may come from! 🙂
LikeLike