My Heart · Our Kids

Letting Go

Sasha

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I dropped my daughter off for her first day of school. It is two days a week for two and half hours each time. Two days, two hours: one emotionally wrecked momma!

I did not realize how strongly it would impact me. My baby, beaming, waved goodbye, so excited to be a big girl. I waved back, so torn to be mom of a big girl. I was shaking, literally shaking as I walked back to my car.

Trying to regain my composure, I began to wonder, how am I going to keep doing this?? I will be nothing but a huge pile of sobs come Kindergarden! College. . . I do not think I will make it out of bed.

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Two and a half hours later I returned. I watched as the love of my life came bouncing out to my car, gripping her teacher’s hand, a huge grin upon her face. There was no woman, or man for that matter, as proud as I was in that moment. My heart literally pounding from within.

They take their first step, babble their first word, march off to join their friends at nursery school. We laugh, we cry, our hearts burst with sorrow, our hearts burst with pride.

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As I drove back home, listening to her excited chatter, bursting with excitement myself, it hit me. This motherhood thing: it is a roller coaster of emotions, with the joys somehow balancing out the aches. We are sad to see them grow and yet filled with pride in their accomplishments. We mourn the end and rejoice in the new. We will cry, sob, perhaps die a little on the day they finally leave home. Then, we will no longer have simply a daughter, a son, but a friend.

Fingers crossed, a best friend.

We release them, slowly, more and more each day. We let go with pride in our eyes–eyes filled with burning tears.

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What about you, what stage of parenthood are you currently in? Have you had to let your child go in any areas recently? I would love to hear about it!!

62 thoughts on “Letting Go”

  1. Such a beautifully written piece. It made me teary eyed. My daughter is almost 4 months old an already dread that first day of school feeling. I simply couldn’t bring myself to return to work, thankfully my husband made it possible for me to stay home. Love love love this post!

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    1. Oh Terri I am so happy you were able to make it work!! I have stayed home with my sweet girl since day 1 and wouldn’t trade this time for anything in all the world. Soak up each and every minute with that dear face. You will be sending her off to her own nursery school before you blink.

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  2. I can empathize. My kiddo is in 2nd grade…it’s gets easier but hasn’t quite gone away. She had an overnight stay the other day and it was absolutely awful. Lol. Good luck. Be gentle with yourself. Tomorrow will be better than today.
    Feel free to check us out our trials and tribulations… Us parents need a village too.
    http://www.conversationswithleila.com

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    1. I have never spend a night apart from my kids yet. I can imagine how strange, and of course emotional the first time will be! I suppose we are given the grace one day at a time. 🙂

      I am going to check your crew out now. 🙂

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  3. Hum, you’ll be battle hardened by the time they get to college :). My two, are 6 (daughter) and 10 (son). They both go to the same primary school, conveniently located across the road from our house. Coincidentally, I work there as both a teachers aide and as P&C secretary. So when i think to myself that I am not a mother who has trouble letting her children go, it occurs to me that maybe that is because I haven’t omg :). When my son started school, I lurked about in my front yard, peering through the trees making sure that he was okay (what if the kids weren’t nice to him, what if he didn’t make any friends?). my partner told me to come inside and stop stalking him for god’s sake, woman 🙂 when he goes to highschool year after next, on the hour’s bus ride, ask me then how I feel 🙂

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    1. Okay, I have been thinking about perhaps trying for a job at wherever my kids end up at school full time! To even be across the street though–that is awesome!! Haha, I love the visual of you trying to watch your son on his first day. Totally something I too would be doing! 🙂

      Wow, high school, I hope you be a bit battle hardened with this stage as well!

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  4. Aww how cute does she look. I can’t imagine the day when my little princess has to go off into the big wide world and leave me either. When I work part time, my daughter is with her dad and usually asleep when I leave so not as hard. But its so good to see her big smile when I get home!

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  5. So sweet! Made me teary just thinking about each of those “letting go’s”… And here I am just adapting to her crawling away from me, haha, such a long, exciting, bumpy road ahead!

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    1. Olivia, you are not alone, I cried the first time my daughter crawled as well! 🙂 Each new milestone is such an exciting and emotional process. It really is the best thing ever though. I cannot imagine a better life. 🙂

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  8. Beautiful. Here in Brazil, preschool is every day and all afternoon. From 1:00 – 5:00 pm. My little girl is four and in her second year of pre-school.
    Just the other day I was noticing how tall my seven year old is getting. We really need to live in our moments and make the most of each and every one of them. Sooner than we think they’ll be all grown up.
    🙂

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    1. We somehow do not seem to notice how much they are growing until we grab their sweatpants from last year and find they are now complete floods. 🙂 You are right though, I know it will all go by so quickly. I am trying to soak in each and every moment of it.

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  9. Baby steps… it’s an ebb and flow, of pride and sadness as we let go. We let the leash out a little bit, and then a little bit more and it always pulls at our heart, no matter what age. My baby is riding his bike to school all by himself now in 5th grade. He was ready. I wasn’t. But I let him go and pray that he will be safe crossing the street alone. I watch him every morning with wonder as he rides away. It’s crazy to watch their independence grow and to realize they need us a little less, but love us just the same. Transitioning again and Letting go…such a great title for this post!

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    1. “Baby steps,” I love this. Thank goodness for baby steps, for one day, one moment, at a time. Riding his bike all on his own!! Aw, I cannot even imagine. . .

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  10. She is so dang cute!! And she looks a lot like you, at least to me. I think you are completely spot on- motherhood is a rollercoaster! But, you know, I think that is a blessing, because we experience such a huge range of emotions this life has to offer. We gain appreciation for the highs, because we’ve felt the lows. Right now my boy is simply feeding himself and I’m getting sentimental! Oh what the coming years have to offer! Great post, Sasha! 🙂

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    1. Thanks Marla!! I remember the emotions when my children started feeding themselves too! Each new step is such a wonderful/terrible time for a mother’s heart. The wonder definitely being the greatest though. 🙂

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  11. I’m right there with you– the first days of preschool! I actually didn’t think I’d be so emotional, but “letting go” is so much harder than I anticipated. You’re right though, this motherhood thing is a roller coaster. There will always be ups and downs–and the ups make it worth the ride 😉

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    1. The ups make this life worth living. 🙂

      I am glad you too felt the emotion of the first day, that I am not a complete loner in emotional sappiness. 😉

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  12. So true .. Yes it’s a roller coaster of emotions . I get emotional on small things . My friends were over and bought gifts for my daughter .. One of them happened to be 2 sizes bigger than she currently wears ( smart choice , no doubt) but to imagine that soon she will be big enough to fit into that dress and not in my arms hit me and I was all tears.. But yes , it’s a proud moment when she does something new each day 🙂

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    1. Aw, sweet girl! I hate when someone gives me something too big for my kids, being forced to accept the fact they will have to wear it soon. I like to keep them tiny for as long as possible. 🙂 The pride definitely is more than I could have ever imagined though.

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  13. Good post. It is hard; but harder if they never grew, never learned and never moved out of Mom’s basement at 45. Dr. S ________________________________

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  14. Well, you know my kids are older, but your posts brings back all those memories of the first days of school and so many other times when they began to walk their own road and not just mine with me. I remember my oldest boy’s first day at preschool….longest 3 hours of my life to that point! I literally cried all the way home and then sat there and watched the clock ticking till it was time to go and pick him up. Next, it was kindergarten and putting him on a bus. I then jumped in my car and followed the bus all the way to the school to make sure the driver was careful. Pretty soon it was time for college and I’ll never forget watching him out the windshield and how hurt I was he never looked back. He walked away tall and confident and ready to embrace the future. But as you say….eventually, he came home and I was most impressed to find that I not only had a son, but a new adult friend! It didn’t get any easier with my second one either…he didn’t even wait till college…we took him to preschool and he ran right in, never looking back, not even saying good-bye! I, on the other hand, went back home and watched the clock again. 🙂

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    1. Oh, Torrie, I love each and every one of these stories so, so much!! I cracked up when I visualized you following the bus driver to school!! I am sure I will definitely be “that mom” as well. 🙂 And perhaps it is a second child thing–I know my son is going to be exactly like yours was first day.

      You now have a friend, this is exactly what I wanted to hear. Thanks for your constant reassurance and encouragement. I have a feeling I am going to be leaning on your words a lot for the next couple, or fifteen, years. 🙂

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  15. My chickadee is in kindergarten. We love his school and teacher so much, that I usually feel excited for him and gratitude. I really enjoy the time I have to myself to focus on my own pursuits during the day.
    I’m so glad your daughter enjoyed her first day!

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  16. I’m in the first weeks of motherhood. I’ve still have plenty of time before the first time I have to let go, but I’m already dreading it. I can’t help but look at my son while he sleeps and think about him growing up and no longer being my baby. It’s hard to think about, but I know I will also be filled with pride when the time does come.

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  17. Your little man’s look in that pic at the top is priceless. It’s like he knew it was her big day, so he deferred to let her have all the glory for one brief moment.

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  18. I feel sad every time I drop off my son at preschool. It’s like a part of me is missing when he’s not near me. We are trying to transition him to his own room, and he’s doing very well, but I am afraid that I’m the one who’s not ready for it, because he’s been sleeping on our bed since day one. 🙂 Great post!

    – I just wrote a post about how I potty trained Gianni…one big milestone for us! 🙂 http://www.sophiacoleblog.com

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      1. Of course it is easier because he is 20 now and it means he is independent enough. But I feel lonely sometimes,….maybe empty nest syndrome. Time you spend with your kids is so precious. Please enjoy and cherish it together!

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        1. Oh I imagine my empty nest syndrome will be severe! I am trying to cherish each moment, even the difficult ones, knowing they will fly by so quickly. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂

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    1. Oh I would so be stalking if my school had a video feed!!! As hard it is all is, this letting go thing, it definitely helps to know we are all in this together! 🙂

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  21. You are an educated woman; I can sense that in every blog article. Educate your own children with love and joy. Be the teacher they deserve and send them out into the world when they are “finished” to perfection. The world has conditioned us to think they need socialization through public education, but it just is not true. You and they can choose to be socialized by who you befriend. Be selective and don’t let every public frog do the choosing for you.
    Let the world know yours are the best because they are trained like no other. They will succeed; you’ll see.

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    1. Beth, thank you so much for sharing this with me. We have gone back and forth, mulling over the idea. I am definitely going to show this to my husband! 🙂

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  23. I hear ya! My littlest just started preschool and my older one kindergarten. I miss them both the entire time 🙂

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  25. Nicely written Sasha,you have such beautiful children:) I can relate to you as i just had to go back to work from maternity. So far it seems that I need her more than she needs me…

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  26. Pingback: 10 Things I’ve Learned From My Followers About Motherhood | Living in Momarchy

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