My Heart's Cry · Real and Raw

Losing My Breath

Sasha

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Pierce had a seizure Sunday night. He fell face first into the bathtub when it began. My husband was reading a book to him, so concentrated on making the story exciting he did not notice him topple over. 5, 10 seconds in the water? Enough to bring terrors I had never known.

We watched in horror as his body seized, with no idea if he was choking on the water as well. We called 911. He began to turn blue, his breathe slowing to an almost complete stop. “He’s not breathing!” my husband cried out at one point. “God!” I screamed. No other words. I could not articulate any other word.

Finally, after what seemed a never ending time. After what seemed a death sentence, he let out a piercing cry, and I felt my heart return to its chest. He cried and screamed and cried and screamed, and I joined him tear for tear. I have never in all my life heard a more beautiful sound.

I had thought I was losing him. I cannot even begin to describe the emotions.

My heart is still raw.

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The paramedics arrived and he was taken to the ER. A long night of tests and fevers, with many more painful tears–mine as well as his. And yet through every tear, there came a prayer of thanks. An overwhelming gratitude. I have never been more thankful for my little boy. My difficult, demanding, death defying little boy.

Never have I felt his soft touch with more love. Never have I listened to his sweet voice with more elation. Never has my heart been so utterly overwhelmed with this unexplainable gratitude.

I have always loved him more than my breath, but this time the breath was taken right out of me.

Thanksgiving. Thankful. This is me.

My babies are here. Nothing else matters.

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170 thoughts on “Losing My Breath”

  3. Holding you in my thoughts – I cannot even fathom the terror you experienced. May you feel tremendous support and care as you support and care for your family.

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  4. My God. How resilient is our heart, that can be squeezed and throttled, undergo literal or metaphysical open heart surgery, and then scarred but still beating, still loving. I’m glad your son is okay xo

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    1. Thanks Olivia! I have been soaking in each and every moment this past week! Pierce is doing great and my heart feels it may burst from all the love I have for him. 🙂

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  8. Sasha, you have such a way of reminding me what, exactly, I should be thankful for every day. I’m glad your sweet boy is ok. He is lucky to have such a loving, tender mama.

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  9. Oh my goodness what a heartwrenching event. How is everyone now? I’m so very sorry, but so glad the outcome was OK. There are no words to describe how terrified you must have been. I hope you had a peaceful Thanksgiving, and thanks for sharing this difficult post. xoxorachel

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    1. Rachel, Pierce is doing great!! It was a rough week of recovery but he is back to complete health now. I have never been so in love with my little guy! 🙂

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    1. Thanks! I don’t always feel so strong but am definitely more thankful than ever before! God is so good and I find myself unable to stop expressing my thanks to Him, over and over and over again. 🙂

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  11. Oh man, that is hard. We have a son with epilepsy, Caleb. He’s only had a few seizures, but they could never figure out what caused them, so it’s considered epilepsy. I hope you are able to find answers. Seizures are so scary, especially watching your own child deal with them. That is a pain I’m very familiar with.

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    1. Sweet Caleb!! I cannot imagine the pains and difficulties this must bring to your heart. We are almost sure Pierce’s was a febrile seizure–no harm done and something he will grow out of. Many prayers for Caleb to also beat these awful things!

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    1. Thanks Megan!! Pierce is doing great–all fevers gone. Still, I hold him extra tight each night. They are precious, and I am trying to not take a single moment for granted.

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  13. My goodness. My stomach was turning even just READING this, so I cannot even begin to imagine how it must have felt to live it. I am so, so, so glad that he is okay!!!! I don’t think I’ve ever in my life experienced fear like the kind I feel now about losing my children. The price we pay for loving these little amazing beings as much as we do, I suppose?

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  15. I pray Pierce is ok. I can’t imagine anything scarier. Those little people truly do hold our hearts. I’m depressed even when they are sick! I know you are holding strong for him and your family. How blessed they are to have you!

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    1. Thank you! Yes, even now, two weeks later, I cannot keep myself from shuddering every time I see the place on the carpet where he was lying. I am holding him extra tight and long, soaking up each smile and touch. They really are treasure, never to be taken for granted.

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