Inspirational · Readers' Favorites · Real and Raw

Screaming at Life

Sasha

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Last night I broke. I lost it, completely. It was past midnight. Still, I could not shut my brain down, and this time it went right back to my son’s seizure.

I had been trying so hard to stay strong ever since. Both my kids were now sick (Pierce shared his fever with his sister). They needed me. I read a beautiful comment from one of my readers, “Hold him close and breathe him in, but remember to take care of his momma too. She’s fragile and he needs her.” Even as I read her words I felt the trembling in my body, that constant shaking which had not left since the incident.

‘I am fine though, my son is fine.

It was nothing serious. It was only a simple febrile seizure.’  

Last night, my mind was convinced of my strength no more.

I vividly remembered the details, the way my precious baby’s body took control of him and the horror which griped my being. I wept. I shook. I felt I couldn’t breathe. I somehow cried myself into a pit of exhaustion and slept until I heard my son’s own cries for me. I brought him to myself, nestling him in my arm. There we slept till morning.

We awoke, and I was okay.

The trembling had ceased.

How often I try to stay so strong. To be the rock for my family, the rock for my own self. I bottle away the fears, the pains. As long as they are pushed to the back of my mind I am okay, right? I busy myself with life, with my babies.

I need to cry sometimes. We need to cry sometimes. We need to shake, to gasp for breathe, to throw the pillows at the wall and scream at life itself.  We are fragile, we hurt, we tremble, and this is okay.

Then, after the tears have dried, we look up–always look up. We were not made to be strong. We were made to rely on the strength of Someone who is.

75 thoughts on “Screaming at Life”

  1. Gosh you ARE strong! We need to allow ourselves to cry and to need someone to hold us, to tell us, that it’s okay or it’s going to be fine. Yes, I agree with your reader: you need to look after you as well. We all do. In order to be able to be strong again when we need to. X

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      1. Yes. And it’s important. And we need to give us that credit too, you know. I feel we often forget that we need this as well… And it becomes draining. We need to recharge. At some times probably more than anybody we care about.

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        1. I couldn’t agree more! It is when we ourselves find that strength once again that we are better moms to our children. It can be all too easy to forget this simple truth though. 🙂

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  2. It’s all so true, Sasha. We try to be strong, to stay positive, but at some point, we need the freedom to scream at life. I think allowing ourselves to acknowledge the downs make the highs all the more sweet. Christ is our strength in weakness. He cares for us even when we are too weak or busy to care for ourselves. He sustains us.

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  3. One of the things my Doctors told me repeatedly when I was going through chemo was your daughter needs you, you have to be strong for her. But I figured out it is totally okay to get upset sometimes and you don’t always have to be the strong one. Sometimes you feel a lot better after you cry it out 🙂

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    1. Autumn, I cannot imagine having to go through that! I love that you allowed yourself to express tears through it all. Tears are raw and true, and really do soothe the soul. I am so happy you are doing okay!!!

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  4. I love how vulnerable and raw this post is, Sasha. It touches my heart so much. You are not alone in your screaming at life, crying, sobbing, and throwing pillows across the room. It is in those times that I admitted to my brokenness that I could finally be filled and made whole–by God. He is the ultimate healer of fragile, scared, and skaken up individuals. Thank you for sharing this post. It has been so meaningful. 🙂

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            1. I just read it. I am so glad everything was fine with your sweet girl. Having to run to the ER though, catching a ride with a scooter lady. I cannot even imagine! Thank you for sharing this!!!

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  7. You’re totally right… As momma’s we focus so hard on taking care of everyone else and staying strong for the family to keep it all together, that we often forget to take care of ourselves. That we forget we’re only human, heck, women at that! And we’re totally allowed to be emotional… But we always forget. The first time I had to REALLY lean on my husband were the first few weeks after giving birth to our daughter. The emotions and everything are just so new and hit you all at once… And he had to always remind me that I can ask for help… And that it’s okay to admit that I’m tired. I’m glad that you’ve seemed to have made a sort of peace with the situation. If not… We’re all here for you!

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    1. Megan, it is so good you found the strength to ask him for help. Also, way to go awesome husband who recognized your need!

      Peace has found its way over here. 🙂 Thank you so much for all your support. It really touches me deep.

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      1. You’re welcome. 🙂 I guess maybe you don’t want to cry at first because you want yourself to be extra strong. But somehow we are all human at the end of the day. We still need to let ourselves cry. Honestly, it’s really ok to cry. I know you are a very strong mom and I totally adore that. Take care! ❤

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  9. Your words touch my heart deeply. I have a few tears at this very minute leaking. I have read somewhere that when you see or hear something that brings tears, you must stop and pay attention. So I stop now to listen to the very inner being of me. Here it is. It is really hard being brave all the time as a mom. My tears at this moment are because I am worried about my son. My son’s doctor suggested that he sees a specialist. The concerns that the Doctor has are concerning. I need more information about his situation before we know for sure what is going on. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to not get ahead of myself until we have all the facts. But I’m scared. There are moments that I start to cry but I stop myself. I can’t break. I keep my mind on other things. Your words help me see that it’s o.k. to fall apart. I know God is there to hold me. I want to be brave. I’m learning that I do not have to do this mom thing by myself. It’s God that I can be brave in. Bless you for sharing your story. I appreciate you for your post. I wish I could give you a hug. I love how you and your son snuggled together until sunrise. I did this with my son last night too. He needed comfort. But I have to admit, this brought great comfort to me. Its moments like this that I realize how deeply my love goes toward my children as a mommy. Its a vulnerable place to be. Only God can carry momma’s through. He knows what it’s like to deeply love His children when they are scared. Thanks so much for posting.

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    1. Oh Lisa, how I wish I could give you a big hug right back! I am broken for you today, praying for you and your precious boy. Please, keep me posted! Thank you for sharing your heart here–truly such a beautiful heart.

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      1. Thank you dear Sasha for your prayers. God is shining light into our situation with our son. I’m feeling peace about everything concerning Justin.

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    1. It makes us human, and yet as a mom sometimes you feel you are not allowed to be human any longer. Supermom is the goal right? I am learning it is okay to not always have it all together though. 🙂 Thank you momma, your words mean the world to me!

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  11. Sasha, what is Supermom? What is the “perfect mother?” The perfect mother is the mother who shares her whole self with her children, the good, the bad, the strong, and the weaknesses that come when you just don’t know what to do, what will happen, or how to proceed. You’re preparing these kids for life and you’re showing them that it’s okay to have these moments of weakness. What a fine compliment it is to someone to cry for them, yes? To let them know that you care so very much that it literally pours out of you from your soul? Do not ever hesitate to share this with your children. Wrapping them up in the arms of of an all-knowing mother who never breaks is not your job. That is the job for someone much higher than you. Your job is to be human with them and teach them that they’re worth every single emotion you possess. Nothing scary in that for them at all. It only shows them that they are okay when they’re scared because their mother gets scared too. It shows them that emotions are there for a reason and that we do rebound from fear and we do rebound from sadness and that we must pick up and move forward. Just want to point out to you not to beat yourself up over your feelings or hide them from your boy. All this too will grow his self-esteem seeing he is worth so much emotion from his mother (as long as you’re not basket case 24/7 🙂 ). What else would you have him believe? Am glad you got it out and are feeling better now. You are learning where your strength is and so is your son.

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    1. Torrie, your words touched me to core this past Monday, and once again you know just how to breathe life right into my soul. I have not thought of the way my tears will actually help my children later on. How my humanity is in fact important for them to learn from. Thank you for this. Thank you for taking the time to bring your wisdom and experience to my heart.

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      1. Am glad…..I was berating myself after I wrote this response that I’m not your mother and shouldn’t be jumping all over where angels fear to tread….glad you took it in the spirit it was intended….Just letting you know you’re doing a fab job!

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  13. Aww this brought tears to my eyes. Being a mother is very hard. We don’t want to see our children suffer. You are incredibly strong! My deepest fear is my child being hurt even though I know it will happen. I’m like you whenever something bad happens I keep thinking about it. I’m so happy you are talking about it and getting it out. It’s not good to keep it bottled in. I think you are doing an awesome job and you are such a good protector for your babies. Keep it up momma! You are doing awesome! I hope your little ones feel better. They are in good hands!

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    1. Oh you are so kind!!! It really does do the heart good to express what is going on inside. It is the beauty of writing. So many times I feel I cannot adequately explain what I am feeling. Then, my fingers touch the keypad and I find myself able to pour out my heart.

      Prayers for continual safety and big angels over all our babies! 🙂

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  14. Sasha, this is beautiful. We all cry. We all lose it every now and again. We can not be strong all the time. My daughter had an episode with night terrors recently, that terrified me to the core. She is fine, but the image of her flailing in the ground and the terror and helplessness I felt still remain . I did not sleep for days, checking in her constantly to make sure she was OK. That there was not some other underlying cause. These are our babies, the loves of our lives. It is impossible to contain all of that love, our fears, our frustrations and all of the other stuff with out sometimes having it spill over. We have all been there. Stay strong like you are. Here is a hug from another mommy.

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    1. Oh sweet girl!! My heart broke for both her and you reading this! I love how you expressed it, as a love so deep we cannot help but have it “spill over.” I am feeling much better today, but I could still use your hug, thanks!! 🙂

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  15. I can totally understand. My one boy was diagnosed with pneumonia on Tuesday and just last night we were in the urgent care with his twin for unrelenting vomiting. My mom was visiting this week but had to leave early due to illness and my husband is sick and can barely talk. Ahhh! It has been a loooong week.

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    1. Oh no, my heart is truly broken for you! There is nothing so awful as having to watch our children suffer like this. And you don’t even have a husband for support now! Praying recovery will come to your home quickly. Definitely feel free to scream and cry though dear momma!!

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  16. Sasha, I believe it takes great strength to let go. Why are we so afraid of feeling, or showing emotion? How does showing one’s emotion equate with weakness? I think stifling the humanness of our bodies reveals a need for control and is squishing fear. I try not to be overwhelmed by the onslaught of my mental state or the commotion of my heart, but rather try to let it coexist with whatever experience has brought it bubbling up to the surface–or exploding in some cases. Sometimes it helps to get the physical part of the emotion out of the way and attended to so that you can then refocus on the issue. It’ll still be there, just lessened in the physical sense.
    I send you bucketfuls of strength, Sasha. You’ve got a massive well of it to dip into right here in your comment section. Here’s wishing you some restful sleep. 😉

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    1. Thanks Shelley! It is the beauty of the blogging world: this massive support group who you have never even met in person, and yet still fill your heart to the brim with support and encouragement.

      “I think stifling the humanness of our bodies reveals a need for control and is squishing fear.” I never thought of it this way before. I am not soon going to forget these words. Thank you for sharing this. How I love to glean from the wisdom of the bit more seasoned moms!

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  17. Oh Sasha! I must have missed your last post, so I went back and read it…I remember being terrified of fevers when my children were small – my son had lots of fevers but no seizures thank goodness. How lucky that you were at the doctors! Amazing. And…midnight is the most terrifying time. None of our logic works then, all of our protective mechanisms are down. Do you feel better?

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    1. Sara, I am doing so much better! My husband was able to work from home this afternoon while my daughter napped. Pierce and I went down to the river on our own to explore. It was one of those times you will never forget, a memory sketched forever in your heart. My heart is full with love and passion for my two babies, and I have been able to put the fears behind me. Thank you for caring, for asking.

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  18. “Hold him close and breathe him in, but remember to take care of his momma too. She’s fragile and he needs her.”

    That is such sage advice. It’s so hard to remember to nurture ourselves when our babies are unwell. I hope your little ones stay healthy from here on out.

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    1. It is the absolute hardest sometimes! The best thing about this quote is from who wrote it. She is a seasoned mom, far removed from the baby stage, and speaks from years of wisdom. When you are right in the middle of it, the thought to take care of yourself doesn’t even seem to occur to you. Sometimes you need someone who has been there/done that to remind you. 🙂

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  19. My mom used to say everything always looks better in the morning. And she was always right, but that doesn’t make those hard nights any easier! I’ve had many sleepless, teary nights worrying over these precious little ones as well. Your posts always put motherhood into perspective for me, and I admire how you so bravely, so honestly expressed your feelings. Hang in there! You are amazing and inspiring to all of us, and it’s certainly ok for all of us moms to feel weak sometimes–something we often tend to forget!

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  21. That last line! “We were not made to be strong. We were made to rely on the strength of Someone who is.” Oh, if we could only grasp that truth and then live by it. Thank you!

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  22. First-hugs Mama–from my weary, fearful heart to yours. Second, this is the most beautiful thing you’ve written. Every mother needs to hear it. We are made to love, not to be strong. At least I think. Love is strong, but we don’t have to be. Always. Last, I’m praying to Someone to be strong for you, all of you–and quick healing to your precious little ones.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement Keri!! “Love is strong, but we don’t have to be.” I think this is one of my favorite quotes now! I have been learning how true this is.

      Both kids have been running around all today with no fevers!!! I am one happy momma! 🙂

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  23. So true. After the weekend we just had I totally feel where you are coming from. We witnessed a traumatic event right before our eyes while hiking and sleep was no hope that night. I just needed to be with my family and cry.

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  25. Oh amen to all of this sasha!!! I’ve thought of you and sweet little pierce since your post. I’m so glad you’re ok and he’s ok, and that part of being ok is allowing ourselves to be not ok. ❤

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    1. Wow, it really touched me to the core to know you have been thinking about us! “Par of being ok is allowing ourselves to be not ok.” I really love this and am not going to be forgetting it any time soon.

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  26. I haven’t been able to keep up with all the wonderful mommy blogs of late… today i decided to sit my self down and take a moment to reconnect… I read your words and silently push the tears back down… I know these fears. You are stronger than you think stronger than you will ever fully comprehend because you have faith, such a small word for such a big thing isn’t it? I wish I had known that type of faith when my struggles tried to knock down my doors walls and windows. Considering the amount I have written I’m feeling rather speechless…though I’m immensely happy you are all OK now.

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    1. Rochelle, first let me say I am so happy you are back! Your words always bring me such encouragement. I am glad you have found that faith now. It really is such a little word with such immeasurable meaning.

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